


I Will Love Again

by KebinMoon



Series: The Groom [3]
Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Dreams and Nightmares, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Kisses, Love Confessions, M/M, Soft Ending, depends on if you like it happy ending but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 08:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20672081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KebinMoon/pseuds/KebinMoon
Summary: Kevin finds himself beginning to fall for Sangyeon. Why? Why does he have to fall for Jacob's best friend? The guilt consumes him, until he realizes he needs to let himself be happy.





	I Will Love Again

**Author's Note:**

> Alright this is the third and final part of this Moonbae/I guess also SangKev series, I have somewhat enjoyed writing this, it was painfully sad. Anyways, I hope that you've enjoyed this series and will try to read some of my other crap, if not that's fine just uh idk have a nice read :)  
also this is unedited so excuse me if there are any mistakes

Almost two weeks after Jacob’s funeral and Kevin seems to be doing okay, he is taking less breaks at work than he had been when he started back up. Hell he’s actually going to work. Outside of work he didn’t do much besides mope around in bed and practically drown himself in the icy cold water of the shower. Sunwoo, Chanhee and Sangyeon were still checking up on him, Sunwoo was his best friend after all and Sangyeon had promised to be here for him whenever. Chanhee was a big surprise to everyone, they hadn’t been all that close before Jacob’s death, Chanhee being much more Jacob’s friend than his own. They had grown somewhat closer as time went by. Haknyeon had also been checking in but he only ever went with Sunwoo, Kevin tried so hard not to be jealous and day by day he found himself hating their relationship less. Deep down he was still jealous of them and what they have, it's a once in a lifetime feeling, Kevin knows that, he had it. Alas, nothing lasts forever.

“Do you think you’ll ever date again?” Chanhee asks Kevin one night when they are hanging out months later, “Not that I want to date you, but Kevin you’re only 26,” Chanhee points out to him.

“No. It just doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair. I just can’t imagine anyone other than Jacob,” Kevin replies.

“Well I know but someday, I don’t mean tomorrow or next week, hell even next year. You have a life ahead of you Kevin and someday down the line you may find someone you want to spend it with again,” Chanhee suggests.

“Jacob is the only one for me, there will never be anyone else,” Kevin replies shutting down the conversation.

“What movie you wanna watch now?” Chanhee asks awkwardly, though they had become close friends everytime Kevin snipped at him over Jacob he can’t help but become awkward, only Sangyeon knew how to handle these situations.

“I think I’m just going to go to bed,” Kevin says standing up, he makes his way to his bedroom, just as messy as it had been when he left this morning. It would be worse had it not been for Sangyeon basically acting as his personal housekeeper. As he dressed himself in pajamas Kevin’s phone rang with a call, the one person he could talk to on nights like these, nights where he allowed himself to slip.

_ “Kevin, are you okay? Chanhee mentioned something,” _ Sangyeon’s voice came through the line.

“I’m alright, just a bad night is all,” Kevin responds.

_ “Kev do you need me to come over?” _ Sangyeon asks.

“Yes,” Kevin says with little hesitation, he needs someone to keep him grounded.

_ “I’ll see you soon,” _ He hears the beep as Sangyeon hangs up and puts his phone down, laying back on his bed, looking out the dark window, he can see street lights and trees. Just five minutes later he hears the telltale signs of Sangyeon’s car pulling up and his front door slamming.

“Hey Kev,” Sangyeon knocks on the door of the bedroom as he steps in.

“Hi Sangyeon,” Kevin greets, his voice slightly muffled by the blanket he’s dug his head into.

“Here or the guest room?” Sangyeon asks as he always does on nights like this, when Kevin needs him to spend the night so he’s not alone in this house.

“You can stay here Sangyeon,” Kevin responds still not turning to face Sangyeon. He feels the older’s weight dip on the other side of the bed and a hand patting his shoulder, before the weight shifts and is laying down.

“Anything on your mind or just sleep?” Sangyeon questions softly.

“I think it’s time for me to move out,” Kevin blurts surprising the other.

“Really?” Sangyeon is taken aback by the statement, he always thought it was a good idea but he never brought it up because he assumed Kevin would hate it.

“Yes, I’ve overstayed my time in this house, I should’ve moved out after the funeral, or at least started to,” Kevin admits.

“Do you need any help?” Sangyeon inquires.

“Yeah, I’ll have to go through Ja-his things and I don’t know if I can do that alone,” Kevin tells him, turning to face the older.

“I’m right here for you Kevin just like I promised months ago,” Sangyeon reminds him.

“I know,” Kevin answers.

“I think until you find your own place you should move in with me, I have the space for it since Hyunjae moved out and it’ll save me from searching for some stranger to move in with me. It’s basically the same distance from your work and- although you don’t want my opinion on this- I think it might be good for you to live not by yourself anymore, at least for a little while,” Sangyeon offers like he had thought it through already, which he had, the moment Hyunjae had said he was going to move he started planning it out in his head.

“I was actually thinking about suggesting that, it seems like the smartest move for me, then I can focus on moving out and not on finding a place,” Kevin comments.

“Good we’re on the same page then,” Sangyeon smiles over at the younger male who spares a small, meek one in return.

“Why is Hyunjae moving anyway?” Kevin asks out of the blue.

“Oh he’s moving across town, in with his girlfriend,” Sangyeon informs him.

“Oh, makes sense,” Kevin turns onto his back and stares up at the dark ceiling.

“Get some sleep Kev, I’m right here for you if you need me,” Sangyeon says as Kevin begins to drift off.

Two weeks later and Kevin’s house is a wreck as the five of them pack up his things, Sunwoo, Sangyeon, Chanhee and Haknyeon had all joined in on the event. They hadn’t begun to touch Jacob’s things yet but Kevin’s belongings were practically done and he knew he couldn’t avoid it anymore. Slowly they took his clothes out from the dresser and closet, where they had been sitting since the day he died. They still smelled like Jacob, and Kevin barely even noticed the tears trickling down his eyes as he packed away most of the clothes for charity, keeping some of his favorites for himself. After two hours they made it through his clothes, hopefully the worst part. Then they hit his old school things he had kept, he had two boxes of them stored in the garage, they looked through all the things, tossing most of it out. At the end of the second box Kevin came across their senior yearbook, he flipped it open to see Jacob’s smiling face looking up at him, he let the tears flow quicker now as he looked through the pages. When he got to the end of the book he saw the note he had written in Jacob’s yearbook, most of it dumb inside jokes they had, he chuckles as he reads those but then he sees the final line.  _ I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together! _ He stifles a sob when he reads those words, they had been true, they were together for the rest of the time they had. Kevin feels warm arms wrapping around him and glances backwards to see Haknyeon of all people embracing him tightly.

“It’s not the same thing but I lost my dad when I was younger, it shattered me all over again when I saw his stuff, things he wrote, whatever it was- it hurt. Don’t worry, it’ll get better, I don’t know when but some time it’ll stop hurting so bad,” Haknyeon whispers to him, his heart went out to Haknyeon at the mention of his dad, he hadn’t even known.

“Thank you Hak. I always meant to tell you this but you’re good for Sunwoo, and I think you two are great together. I hope you guys share the love that Jacob and I had, it is rare and beautiful,” Kevin tells him.

“I think we do,” Haknyeon admits blushing, staring over at Sunwoo.

“Good, I’m glad,” Kevin says in earnest.

The rest of the day they pack in silence, things are shuffled into Sangyeon and now Kevin’s apartment in the empty spaces left by Hyunjae, Kevin took the bed from the guest room of the house. He left behind some of the kitchen items as well, the landlord of the place saying it was alright if he left things behind for the next renters. Kevin said one final goodbye to the house that had been his and Jacob’s home for two whole years that day, he grabbed his keys off the table by the door and the picture of him and Jacob that had sat there since their first day in the house. He shut and locked the door attempting to make peace with that part of his life, he wasn’t closing the door on that life, just turning the page to a new chapter of his life.

Three months into living together and the two of them had gotten into a groove. It had been pretty easy for them from the beginning. Sangyeon making breakfast for the two of them, Kevin packing Sangyeon’s lunch for him as Kevin could make himself lunch at the restaurant, then he would come home to Sangyeon having made dinner for them or an array of take out menus to choose from. It was smooth sailing from day one practically, they rarely fought and it was usually when Kevin was in a sour mood, his moods were unpredictable sometimes. When it started happening more often Sangyeon was lost as to what he could do. He tried comforting Kevin but he was inconsolable. It was frustrating for the older male, some days he had to leave the house because the silence from Kevin was deafening. Often times he would get Sunwoo to come over to hang out but even that rarely helped. One day everything reaches a climax.

“Kevin, just tell me what’s wrong?” Sangyeon begs as Kevin stares blankly at the TV.

“Nothing is wrong, leave me alone,” came Kevin’s usual response.

“Obviously something is wrong, or else you wouldn’t be acting like this. You’ve been snippy for days and I’m sick of it Kev, I know it’s hard to be happy sometimes but I thought you were doing better,” Sangyeon tries, reaching towards Kevin’s hand.

“Stop pitying me Sangyeon! Just shut up!” Kevin shouts as he snaps his hand away.

“THAT’S IT! Tell me what’s wrong right now, or you can go and stay with Sunwoo for the night because I’m not putting up with your bratty ass right now!” Sangyeon insists yelling back a the younger.

“I proposed to Jacob a year ago today,” Kevin weakley says as he cries.

“Oh Kev,” Sangyeon moves over and holds him close, “you should’ve told me, I’m here for you always remember? Instead of shutting yourself out just talk to me,” Sangyeon softly says into Kevin’s hair.

“I know I just, I miss him so much and I can’t take it sometimes,” Kevin admits, crying harder.

“Kevin, I think you should consider grief counselling,” Sangyeon suggests as he pulls away and looks the other in the eyes.

“Maybe…” Kevin trails off not wanting to admit that he might indeed need to seek professional help.

“I think it would be good, and this won’t last forever, it’ll get better, but maybe seeing someone will help,” Sangyeon advises.

“Alright, I’ll look into it,” Kevin gives in.

“I can help you if you need,” Sangyeon offers, hugging the other tightly again.

“Thank you Sangyeon, you’re the best,” Kevin tells him, snuggling into Sangyeon’s chest.

“I am aren’t I?” Kevin chuckles at that.

“Cocky now are we?” Kevin jokes.

“Not really, I just wanted to see you smile,” Kevin gazes up at Sangyeon and for a second it seems all too intimate for friends.

“I think I’m gonna go get ready for bed,” Kevin quickly excuses himself hoping he read that moment all wrong, he probably did. Sangyeon is just his friend and he wants Kevin to be happy, he wants to make sure Kevin is okay, it was nothing. Which is exactly what he tells himself when falling asleep that night as he repeats the moment over and over again in his head and what he tells Chanhee when he brings it up on accident. The way Chanhee’s eyes roll tells him he doesn’t believe it, but he’s convinced himself that’s all it was.

Several months later, Kevin’s therapist has helped immensely with his nightmares and his mood swings. Though nothing could prepare him for the one year anniversary, just a few days away. Kevin can feel his heart getting heavier and heavier with each day that passes, Sangyeon decides that they should take time off work and go away for the weekend before it which has Kevin currently packing his bag with Chanhee’s help.

“I’m telling you, you need to get back out there,” Chanhee insists.

“Stop Chanhee, Jacob was my soulmate, besides least of all could I think of dating again when it’s almost the- well the day that, you know,” Kevin trails off.

“And all I’m saying is eventually you should think about dating again. I mean don’t you miss sex?” Chanhee asks bluntly.

“Chanhee!” Kevin lets out a meek laugh at his friend.

“What? I imagine it’s been a while since you last got some, when was the last time you even masturbated?” Chanhee questions.

“None of that is any of your business,” Kevin’s cheeks flush bright red.

“So you haven’t? I know that life is hard after you lose someone like that and I’m not trying to say sex is everything but it doesn’t hurt. Well, I mean, you know what I mean,” Chanhee laughs.

“I’ll find someone when I’m ready,” Kevin replies.

“I have a friend I think you’d like,” Chanhee suggests with a wiggle of his brows.

“No.” Kevin shuts him down immediately and gets back to packing his clothes in his bag for the weekend.

“Fine. What about Sangyeon?” Chanhee doesn’t relent.

“No Chanhee. And he was Jacob’s best friend I could never do that,” Kevin responds.

“Ugh, whatever,” Chanhee lays back on the other’s bed exasperated.

“Hey Kev, almost ready?” Sangyeon peaks his head in the door and sees the younger’s bag half packed and Chanhee lying on his bed.

“Yeah, just need a few more minutes, and Chanhee to leave,” Kevin sends a glare Chanhee’s way who just stands from the bed and makes his way to the door.

“Bye Kev I’ll see you when you get back, Sangyeon don’t kill our poor defenseless Kevin in the woods. Oh and Kevin, just think about it,” Chanhee says as he leaves.

“Bye Chanhee, see you later,” Sangyeon waves.

“Ugh, he’s so annoying sometimes,” Kevin complains, suddenly he’s reminded of a similar conversation he had with Jacob.

_ “Are you almost ready Cob?” Kevin asks his boyfriend watching the other stuff his bag to the brim. _

_ “Yeah, ugh Chanhee is so annoying sometimes,” Jacob groans as he picks up his phone. _

_ “What’d he say this time?” Kevin laughs. _

_ “Not to fuck you too hard. Why is he like this? Why am I friends with him?” Jacob laughs to himself. _

_ “He’s a good friend to you babe, now let’s get going so we can do exactly that,” Kevin responds picking up their bags and beginning their walk out of the apartment building. _

_ “You’re too good to me,” Jacob says suddenly. _

_ “Yeah I am, I should be worse,” Kevin jokes looking over at Jacob. _

_ “I love you Keb,” Jacob says as they stare at each other. _

_ “I love you too,” Kevin replies as he closes the distance between him and Jacob, their lips meet in a sweet kiss. _

_ “Now let’s go have a good fucking vacation,” Jacob laughs. _

_ “Oh we will,” Kevin sends the other a wink with a chuckle. _

“Kev, you good?” Sangyeon asks.

“Yeah sorry, just reminded me of something,” Kevin says vaguely grabbing his bag, “let’s go have a fun weekend,” he walks out of the room leaving a confused Sangyeon to follow.

The car ride takes a couple of hours and suddenly the scenery around them changes, no longer on the outskirts of a city, fully in the woods, driving down dirt roads. Just as Kevin feels his body cramping up and in need of both a toilet and a stretch Sangyeon pulls into a driveway. Suddenly laid out before them is a cabin, Kevin is surprised but excited to be away from all the things that reminded him of Jacob. He grabs his bags and makes his way up to the front door waiting for Sangyeon to unlock the door for him.

“Hurry or I might wet myself!” Kevin shouts with a smile.

“I’m coming,” Sangyeon says making his way towards the younger smiling wide.

“Oh thank goodness,” Kevin groans in relief pushing his way through the door and dropping his bag to the floor as he rushes to find a bathroom, Sangyeon laughing the whole time. Sangyeon follows the other in and grabs his bag for him as he walks towards the bedrooms, he finds them quickly and picks one for each of them. Kevin walks out of the bathroom a minute later to find that Sangyeon has chosen a bedroom for him, he thanks the older and grabs his stuff taking it inside and closing the door to change.

“I’ll make dinner in like an hour, take a nap or explore or whatever, I’m going to shower,” Sangyeon yells to him and Kevin responds with an okay. He decides to take a nap for now, exhausted from the car ride, although it’s almost time to sleep anyway. He settles into the bed and let’s his eyes fall closed and dreams come to him. He dreams of Jacob, the last time he saw him and suddenly the scenery changes, he’s in his still fairly new room, the conversation with Chanhee coming back to him. Dream Chanhee won’t stop bringing up Sangyeon while Jacob sits across the room frowning and shaking his head at the way Kevin’s heart skips a beat every time the name is said. Suddenly it switches and his is the name coming from Chanhee, it starts out quiet at first until dream Chanhee is yelling his name in his face. Kevin’s eyes flash open and he sees Sangyeon hovering above him speaking his name into his ear, he startles away from the man that had caused disappointment in Jacob’s eyes despite it was just a dream.

“Kevin, dinner is ready,” Sangyeon repeats looking into his wide eyes.

“O-okay, I’ll be there in a minute,” Kevin stutters looking away from him.

“Alright,” Sangyeon exits the room, leaving Kevin be although he can’t help but inwardly squeal a bit at how cute wide eyed Kevin looked. Over the time of living together Sangyeon had developed feelings for Kevin, at first he felt insanely guilty, he had been his best friend’s fiance, almost husband. What right does he have to fall for Kevin? But he couldn’t help it, Kevin was beautiful and overall an amazing person, he deserves to be happy again and Sangyeon wishes he could be that person. He knows it wouldn’t work out that way, Kevin wouldn't want to be with him, but he had hoped for it secretly in the back of his mind.

“What’d you make?” Kevin asks as he walks out of his room, now dressed in sweatpants and an old shirt from high school.

“I made some pasta, I’m not very creative compared to you,” Sangyeon admits, plating up the meal for them.

“Well I am paid to be a real chef, I did go to school for it and all,” Kevin jokes lightly.

“Yeah I guess so. Anyway, what would you wanna do this weekend, we can hike, I think there’s a lake we can swim in nearby, explore the town, or just relax here and watch movies,” Sangyeon offers.

“We can do a bit of everything, but for tonight I think watching a movie would be good,” Kevin answers.

“I agree, what movie should we watch?” Sangyeon asks, looking up from his meal.

“Do we have Lord of The Rings, it’s my favorite,” Kevin admits, flushing from the look on Sangyeon’s face.

“Yes we do, there’s a copy here and I may or may not have remembered and packed it as well,” Sangyeon smiles at Kevin, who is suddenly reminded of Jacob all over again.

_ “Movie night?” Kevin asks the older sitting next to him on the couch. _

_ “Of course we can my love, Lord of The Rings?” Jacob inquires as he stands up. _

_ “Do they even have that here?” Kevin responds. _

_ “Doesn’t even matter if they do because I packed it for us, you can’t go more than a few weeks without this and I know that,” Jacob laughs as he holds up the DVD cases. _

_ “You know me so well,” Kevin says with a sarcastic tone. _

_ “Well I am your boyfriend, so yes I do,” Jacob chuckles at the younger’s antics. _

_ “You’re truly the best,” Kevin smiles. _

“Kevin? You alright?” Sangyeon asks the younger as he stares off at the wall behind him.

“Yeah, just thinking. Uhm, yeah after dinner let’s get set up to watch it,” Kevin forces some enthusiasm.

“It’s okay to think about him, it’s okay to miss him, and it’s okay to admit to those. Kevin I made a promise and that means a lot to me, I am here for you no matter what,” Sangyeon tells him as he gently pats the hand that Kevin has lying on the table.

“I know, it’s just hard, but you’ve been the best Sangyeon. I mean I can’t believe you would even hang around me so much, sure we were friends before that but we weren’t as close as you two,” Kevin admits.

“Yeah well I regret not being a better friend before then. And I can believe it, you are amazing Kev, through and through. I mean you’ve made it through one of the toughest years of your life and that alone amazes me, not to mention you meant a lot to Jacob, you mean a lot to me too,” Sangyeon says honestly, now holding Kevin’s hand in his, staring into his eyes.

“Thank you Sang, I guess I’m just sorry you had to deal with me, but it means so much to me that you did and you mean a lot to me too.” Kevin shyly says a pink color rising on his cheeks.

“I’m glad. Well this pasta won’t eat itself,” Sangyeon jokes as he removes his hand and picks up his fork. They get through dinner quickly, both hungry from the three hour drive out to the place, after finishing their meal Kevin leaves to shower while Sangyeon sets up the movies. After showering Kevin feels more refreshed and he changes into his favorite comfy pajamas an old school sweatshirt and a pair of Jacob’s sweatpants he stole years back in college. Kevin runs out to the living room after checking his phone and bounces onto the couch next to where Sangyeon is already sat.

“Are you ready?” Kevin asks excitedly bouncing just a bit on the couch.

“Of course, now let’s get to watching,” Sangyeon chuckles at Kevin’s antics. He presses play on the remote and they settle in for the long movie. Throughout it Kevin’s head slowly drops until it is leaning on top of Sangyeon’s shoulder. Sangyeon simply relaxes and allows the younger to cuddle into him. Though Kevin does it unconsciously, he soon drapes himself across Sangyeon’s lap. He wakes in a dream Jacob is there, smile still as bright as sunshine, stroking Kevin’s hair and humming. Kevin gazes up at him lovingly, Jacob suddenly looks down at him.

_ “This is how you remember me? By falling in love with my best friend?” _ Jacob asks incredulously.

“W-what?” Kevin stutters surprised.

_ “Don’t pretend you don’t Keb, I know you,” _ Jacob insists.

“I-I didn’t mean to,” Kevin cries, “I don’t want to love him”.

_ “I will never forgive you for this,” _ Jacob stands abruptly, Kevin’s head falling to the couch.

“Cob, please, I love you so much,” Kevin sobs harder as Jacob walks away from him.

_ “How can I love someone who fell for my best friend?” _ Jacob answers.

“Because you loved me, you always did and I will always love you,” Kevin pleads down on his knees in front of Jacob.

_ “No Keb, I cannot forgive this,” _ Jacob tells him, disappearing from view.

Kevin’s head shoots up and he almost smacks Sangyeon in the head as well with how fast he moves. He removes himself from Sangyeon as if the other was suddenly on fire, fire, suddenly Kevin’s vision is clouded by fire and he’s screaming.

“Kevin calm down, please calm down,” Sangyeon says but Kevin can’t hear him over his own screams. It takes twenty whole minutes for him to stop screaming, suddenly his vision comes back to him and they’re on the floor now, Kevin scooped up into Sangyeon’s lap.

“I’m sorry Sang, it was a bad dream,” Kevin looks down at his lap.

“It wasn’t just that, you had a panic attack Kevin. What was your dream about?” Sangyeon asks.

“Nothing just, I promised Chanhee I’d call him I forgot.” Kevin excuses himself and walks quickly to his room locking the door. He takes out his phone and quickly dials Chanhee’s number.

_ “Yes what do you need?” _ he hears Chanhee grumble.

“You were right.” Kevin blurts.

_ “I’m always right. About what exactly?” _ Chanhee responds.

“I may not want to but I’m thinking about it, I think I do feel something for him,” Kevin explains.

_ “What?” _ Chanhee asks still confused.

“I like Sangyeon. I had a dream about it, Jacob was there and he was so, so angry, and I just,” Kevin chokes on a sob.

_ “Calm down Kev. It’s okay, it was just a dream,” _ Chanhee attempts.

“Yeah but he wasn’t wrong, I wish he had been wrong, I don’t want to like Sangyeon,” Kevin cries.

_ “Kevin that’s not the problem here,” _ Chanhee points out.

“What do you mean?” Kevin is confused.

_ “The problem is not that you like him, the problem is that you feel guilty, you need to stop feeling guilty for having feelings for Sangyeon. It doesn’t make you a bad person, you wouldn’t be cheating on Jacob. Besides, it’s not like this erases how much you loved Jacob, and still love him, it’s just you continuing your life,”  _ Chanhee tells him.

“I guess, I just-” Kevin cuts himself off, “Thanks Chanhee, I’m gonna try to sleep now.”

_ “Okay but just think about it” _ Chanhee says hanging up the phone.

“I will,” Kevin says to himself. He lays his head down and drifts off.

The next night after a long day of hiking and exploring they decide to sit outside and watch the sunset while they eat their dinner and watch a movie after. Kevin has cooked a meal of apple, walnut, goat cheese and spinach stuffed, bacon wrapped, chicken with some garlic mashed potatoes. Kevin and Sangyeon sit together on the swinging bench as they scarf down the meal, hungry after the day. No words leave either of them while they eat, after they finish the two sit and watch the sun go down. Bright oranges and pinks, dark blues cast across the sky as they stare.

“Kev, I’m having a lot of fun, I hope you are too,” Sanyeon admits.

“I am Sang, thanks for this. It’s helped me think and get my mind off most things,” Kevin replies, turning towards the older.

“Of course, and there’s no one I’d rather be here with than you,” Sangyeon says honestly, gazing into Kevin’s eyes, luring him in. Kevin feels himself drawn towards Sangyeon’s look and he leans in close, suddenly his eyes are closing and their lips meet softly in the space between them. Kevin feels a light buzz from the feeling, but then panic buzzes through him all over again as he realizes what he’s doing, he rips away from Sangyeon’s admittedly soft lips.

“I’m sorry I don’t know what that was,” Kevin hurriedly spits out as he stands from the bench.

“It’s okay Kev, I-” Kevin cuts him off.

“Uhm, I’m gonna skip the movie I’m tired. Goodnight Sangyeon,” Kevin blurts grabbing their empty plates and rushing inside. He runs through the cottage and collapses onto his bed crying into the pillows; how could he do this to Jacob?

He drifts off into a numbing sleep.

The next morning they had planned to do some things around town but Kevin said he had a stomach ache and wanted to go home. Sangyeon drove them back to their apartment and upon their arrival Kevin took off right into the house and locked himself in his room. That night it was Sangyeon’s turn to cry. He didn’t want to make Kevin feel bad or guilty, he didn’t even know why he kissed him. He just looked so beautiful with the deep orange sunset reflecting in his eyes, Sangyeon couldn’t help but be awed. That was no excuse, he needs to apologize.

“Kevin, you in there?” Sangyeon asks knocking, already knowing he was.

“I’m fine Sangyeon, you don’t need to check on me,” Kevin groans from his bed.

“I just. I wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened last night, it shouldn’t have.” Sangyeon apologizes, Kevin carefully unlocks the door and opens it revealing his tired state.

“It’s okay Sang, I’m sorry for freaking out, it was just a one time thing right?” Kevin asks now standing in front of the older.

“Of course, now you get some rest, you may or may not have an upset stomach but you sure are tired,” Sangyeon chuckles.

“I will,” Kevin nods, shutting the door softly.

The next few days drone on with them tiptoeing lightly around each other, Kevin trying his best not to run into the older and Sangyeon trying not to upset Kevin. They hadn’t really talked since they got back, they had agreed to forget about the kiss, but secretly Sangyeon didn’t want to and Kevin couldn’t. Kevin was lost, hanging around Sunwoo and Haknyeon an awful lot more as he had the week off for Jacob’s anniversary. He tries his hardest to be cheery around the couple but they can’t help but wonder why he’s avoiding Sangyeon and Chanhee. Kevin hadn’t spoken to the younger since that phone call, he couldn’t admit to himself that it was true that he had said those things. The day of Jacob’s anniversary is the hardest, he’s escaped the apartment yet again, and he goes over to Sunwoo and Hak’s. They’re both home, but once they see the state of Kevin, Sunwoo pulls him aside into his bedroom to talk.

“Kev. I know there’s something going on and not just what today is, please talk to me. I’m supposed to be your best friend,” Sunwoo pleads.

“I just, I miss him so much and I can’t help but think about all that’s happened since he died,” Kevin gives a crap answer.

“It’s more than just that, tell me the truth right now,” Sunwoo demands, desperate, worried eyes staring into Kevin’s tired, sad ones.

“I think I love him and I-I can’t Sun. Why him? Why did I have to fall for him?” Kevin sobs as he lays himself on Sunwoo’s side.

“Who Kev? I can’t help unless I know who,” Sunwoo says, holding his friend close.

“S-Sang-gyeon,” he stutters.

“Oh Kev, come here,” he tightens his hold on the crying man, “you know it’s okay to love someone else, Jacob won’t hate you for it,” Sunwoo tells him, stroking his hair gently.

“Yes he will, he does, I-I had a dream and he told me he hates me for falling for his best friend,” Kevin cries.

“Kevin…” Sunwoo trails off, not knowing how to console his friend. Slowly Kevin falls asleep in his arms and he lays him down gently on his bed to sleep. The look Haknyeon gives when he returns shows that he heard everything.

Kevin drifts off peacefully at first, dreaming of flower arrangements and color themes, white lace, and black ties. He hears his vows run through his head as he watches Jacob walk down the aisle. Suddenly Jacob is on fire, walking towards him, cuts adorning his body, bits of metal and glass stuck in him. His face coated in blood and his body beginning to burn. Kevin cries out distressed running to him, suddenly they’re on the edge of a cliff and Jacob collapses falling down, down. Kevin doesn’t think as he runs right off after Jacob, warm arms wrap around him and drag him back up on top of the cliff. He turns to see Sangyeon holding him and snuggles closer into his warmth, then the face changes and it’s Jacob but he’s angry.

Kevin spooks awake finally, sweat forming along his forehead and terror gripping his heart. He bolts up from the bed and rushes out of the house not sparing a word to Sunwoo as he runs down the street before him his feet pounding along the pavement. He feels tears dripping down his face as he runs but he can’t find it in himself to care, too preoccupied with running away. He makes his way past his old house, familiar steps mapped in front of him, as he sees the beach not far from here. He runs ever faster down the street, the breathless stabbing in his lungs not enough for him. He finally arrives upon the sand where Jacob died and he crumples to the ground crying.

Meanwhile Sunwoo calls Sangyeon to go out looking for Kevin, Sangyeon instantly taking off in his car in the direction of the beach, suspecting Kevin would go there. His suspicions are found to be correct when he pulls up to the lookout area at the beach over the cliffs and finds Kevin walking towards the edge. He’s sobbing and hysterically chanting Jacob’s name, his legs weak beneath him. Sangyeon rushes to him and grabs him as he wavers closer and closer to death. He hugs the younger close as he sobs his mind clearly somewhere else.

“Kevin, Kev, come back to me please,” Sangyeon pleads trying to get Kevin to get a grip on things.

“Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, I’m so sorry Cob. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry,” Kevin repeats.

“Kev it’s me, Sangyeon. You’re okay, I got you,” he picks the shaken younger up and places him in the car, buckling him up. He drives them back to their apartment, eyes constantly moving over to check on Kevin.

“I’m sorry Sang, I’m sorry for worrying you,” Kevin whispers sadly, voice cracking.

“It’s okay Kev, you’re fine, let’s just get home and get you to bed, it’s getting late,” Sangyeon assures the other as he looks at the sunset in the rear view mirror.

Kevin is asleep before they even pull in, leaving Sangyeon to carry him inside and place him in bed, he gives Kevin a kiss on the forehead as he retreats to his own room. He falls asleep not long after his head hits the pillow, dreams full of Kevin. As usual. Kevin dreams up his own mirage of Sangyeon, cast out on the ocean’s surface as he looks down from the cliff. The cliff that has haunted his worst nightmares. Then Jacob appears, at first he looks angry but then his face falls and Kevin runs to him.

_ “Be with him Keb, I know you want to, I know you love him,” _ dream Jacob says to him.

“W-what?” Kevin stutters.

_ “I’m no longer alive, I can’t make you happy anymore, he can,”  _ Jacob assures him.

“Really Cob?” Kevin asks.

_ “Of course Keb. It doesn’t take away from the love we had,” _ he affirms.

“I miss you everyday Cob, I love you,” Kevin tells him.

_ “I know, I miss you too, I love you. Now go, be happy,”  _ Jacob smiles disappearing from view as he sees Sangyeon pull up in his car. Kevin wakes with a start, instantly reaching for his phone, he supposes he could just get up but he doesn’t want to see Sangyeon deny him.

“Sangyeon, sorry to wake you,” Kevin says hesitantly after Sangyeon picks up.

“It’s alright, what’s up Kev?” Sangyeon asks in a low grumbly voice full of sleep.

“Will you come to my room please?” Kevin asks.

“You need me?” Sangyeon questions with hesitance in his voice.

“No. I  _ want _ you,” Kevin answers, suddenly a door is slamming shut and his is opening and Sangyeon is beside him in seconds. Before he can get anything else out Sangyeon’s lips are against his in a passionate kiss, warm and soft.

“I love you Kev,” Sangyeon admits.

“I-I love you too Sang, I tried not to because I felt guilty but I need to allow myself to be happy and-and I love you,” Kevin, tells him shyly.

“Oh Kev,” Sangyeon leans down again capturing Kevin’s lips in another soft kiss, climbing onto the bed to lay next to him, keeping their lips intertwined.

“Thank you for being my savior Sang, I wouldn’t have even made it this far without you, you’re amazing,” Kevin says honestly.

“You’re amazing too Kev,” Sangyeon responds.

“I love you so much,” Kevin says again, leaning in for another kiss before snuggling into Sangyeon’s chest.

“I love you so much too,” Sangyeon presses a light kiss to the top of Kevin’s head, before allowing his body to relax and drift off to sleep.

For the first time, Kevin dreams of someone beside Jacob. For the first time since that awful day a year ago, Kevin is happy. Drifting off with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> One more time, thank you for reading this! I hope you found it good, I have never been to a funeral or really experienced death of someone close to me or like that kind of grief so I tried my best. If you have any suggestions for other pairings/stories you can contact me on twitter @keb_moontrash  
Have a nice day and/or night! :)


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